I don't even know where to start, but I guess I better start by saying what the main cause of my upset is, which is obviously my knee injury. I feel like it's all my fault. I blame myself for it and I feel so guilty, as the rest of the crap that I'm going through right now has stemmed from that one injury.
I've been trying to stay positive about my injury and see every little tiny bit of progress as a miracle, to try and make myself more grateful for it but I just can't do that right now. It's been nine weeks, going on ten, and I've made next to no progress. Since last night, I've been in just as much pain as I was when I first did the injury and I have no idea why.
My dislocation is healing nicely which is good but my knee cap still swells every now and then, I still have badly stretched ligaments, a severely torn tendon and a dead muscle. Why is none of that recovering? Why am I not getting better? What if I never get better?
What am I going to do with myself and my life if my dead muscle never grows back? I will never be able to walk, never mind dance. I may never dance again anyway. They were hoping that I'd be walking 'very short distances' with the aid of crutches by Christmas, but then they discovered that my calf muscle is also very weak so now they're not sure if this will be possible.
I'm thinking about all of the things that I've got coming up (or should have had coming up) which are now impossible or are going to be difficult. I was supposed to be going to Alton Towers for my birthday but now, I'm having to just go out for a meal. I'll have a leg brace on and be on crutches or in a wheelchair for my 21st birthday. My 18th was ruined and now my 21st is going to be. I'm going to Disneyland Paris which is going to kill my parents and I probably won't be able to go on many, if any, rides.
I can't even plan ahead and book holidays for next year as I don't know when I'll be in a fit state to go on holiday and actually be able to enjoy it. I can't travel down to see my boyfriend. I feel like I can't plan anything at all. It's all such a mess.
I'm sick of not being able to do things for myself. I can't cook. I can't clean. I can't drive. I can't walk. I can't pour myself a drink. I can't shower without someone driving me over to my grandparents house. I feel like everything has been taken away from me. I have no independence whatsoever. I spend most days lying in bed staring at the wall or refreshing Twitter, praying that something good will happen to me soon.
I just want my freedom and my independence back. I want to have fun and be productive but I can't. My time is wasted as I can't use any of it wisely, and even when I do, I'm so exhausted that then when I get home, I cry when I'm trying to drag myself up the stairs by my arms to go to bed. It's ridiculous.
Things are only going to get worse. My SSP will stop in a couple of weeks and then I'll have no money whatsoever, as I don't think I'm entitled to anything else because my injury is only temporary, but I'm classed as not fit for work, and even if I was, who is going to employ me in this state? I can't even sit in the same position for long because it causes me pain.
I'm no longer living the dream life. I don't have my dream job any more that I worked hard for my whole life to get and I may never recover well enough to do it again. I don't live away from my parents, I'm more dependent on them than ever. I live 300 miles away from my boyfriend which absolutely kills me because long distance relationships are so hard. I feel like I'm ruining our relationship by being here and not with him. It's my fault that everything is this way. I had the accident and as a consequence, I am suffering big time and I feel that my mental health is too. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.
It's crazy to think, if I hadn't been doing a character show at 6:45pm on Wednesday 21st August, none of this would have happened.
Clare
(twitter / instagram)
xxx
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