For example, this evening at around 10pm, I said to my partner that I was going to try and sleep. It is now currently 2am and I am still sitting here on my laptop, wide awake and writing this stupid blog that nobody is going to even read - probably.
I've been looking at so many things online. Flats that I want but can't afford. Holidays abroad that fall under the same category. Weekends away in the UK for special occasions. Weekends away in the UK for no occasion. It's almost like I procrastinate when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Normal people experience procrastination when they have to do work or something but not me, I do it when I should be going to sleep.
I'm wondering if it's being away from my partner, or because of all the things on my mind, or maybe even the fact that I'm not as tired as I should be. I mean, I feel exhausted after a day of not doing much due to my injury but if you think about the job and life that I was living before it (48-60 hours a week of active work plus a social life) then it wouldn't surprise me if that's why my brain is still awake. I also have so many things buzzing around my head - insecurities, paranoia, worries, ideas, memories - and I have no way to turn it off. As for my partner, we spent nearly every night together from April to September so even though I've been living away from him for nearly two months now, I still find it difficult to fall asleep if I'm not in his arms. I know that sounds soppy.
Now is the perfect example of all of this. I am absolutely shattered. I have had such a busy day today considering the situation that I'm in and didn't get much sleep last night (or the night before for that matter) but I can't fall asleep. As I said, I've been looking at loads of stuff that I shouldn't (flats, holidays etc.) and now I am sitting here, writing all this with my iPad on shuffle, miming along to all the good songs that are coming on. I am so tired but not quite tired enough to sleep.
Normally, this would be easily solved. Four or five sleeping tablets and I'd be away with the fairies but the medication that I'm on means that I can't take them. I would take the risk and go for it but my parents confiscated my tablets from my bedroom weeks ago when I was very depressed, as they were concerned about what I might do. I wasn't planning anything of the sort but I understand why they were worried as I really wasn't in a happy place and I just wanted all the pain to stop.
One of the reasons that I think I put off going to sleep is because of nightmares. I realize that I sound like a young child by saying this but I do suffer from terrible nightmares sometimes. Sometimes, it's things that my head has made up because it's things that I'm worried about or insecure about, but even that panics me, as a lot of dreams / nightmares that I've had have happened in real life a week or two later, so it puts me into a panic. I also have nightmares about past events that have traumatized me. It causes me to cry in my sleep and I never knew this until I lived with my partner. My nightmares are so horrible sometimes.
Usually if I can't sleep, I sleep on the floor. I know that sounds strange but I love the floor. I'm one of those people that's always lounging or sitting on the floor rather than in a chair, so that's why I tend to sleep there if I can't sleep. I drag my duvet and my pillows down there and get cosy. However, due to my injury, I dare not do it. I could get down there but if I needed to get up for any reason (still not comfortable, need the toilet etc.) then I wouldn't be able to get back up until one of my parents got up in the morning and found me there.
Alcohol normally makes me sleep but I've drank a pint of Malibu (literally) with a dash of Pepsi and I'm still wide awake. I can't really drink any more due to the time, as it is now tomorrow which means my 'cheat day' of my diet is over.
Maybe that's another reason why I can't sleep - I had a 'cheat day' on my diet today. I really did eat badly and I felt so guilty about it. It's the first time I've had the guilt feelings following food consumption for a long time and it scared me a bit. That plus I am incredibly bloated, because I did over indulge today as you can see in my previous post. My body has been treating me so much better since I've controlled my portion size and eaten more healthy, then tonight I went and abused it. I don't think I'll ever have another 'cheat day' again.
Anyway, I don't think there's much more for me to say but I just thought that writing all of this down and making sense of it might help lower the stress in my head, causing me to sleep easier. I'm going to whack on my hypnotherapy and see what happens. Goodnight!
Clare
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xxx
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