This is a hard blog for me to write. I don't even know if it's going to make sense or if anyone is going to read it, but I feel like it's something that needs to be written about, for my own peace of mind. I debated whether to post it or not for a while but I decided, this is my blog for my feelings so I'm going to post exactly that.
Love changes everything. I've always said this. From the outside, love looks soppy and almost pathetic sometimes, but when you're in that bubble of love, it doesn't matter. You don't care what other people think as long as the two of you within the relationship are happy.
I had never believed in 'The One', despite being in love twice. I didn't think it was possible that there was someone out there for everyone and thought that some people were just destined to be alone. Soulmates meant nothing to me, and I swore that I would never get married. Everyone always told me that all of this would change when I met the 'right person' but I never believed them.
I was a commitment-phobe. Although I liked the idea of being in a relationship, when I was in them, I felt trapped, suffocated and like I couldn't be myself. Relationships never lasted for me. Either I got bored and moved on or had my heart broken. I thought this time would be different.
It's hard looking back on this now but I met someone who changed all of this for me. I met a man who I could be 100% myself with in a relationship - more myself than I've ever been with anyone. We were more than a couple, we were best friends as well. I believed that he was 'The One', the right person for me, my soulmate, and even though we hadn't been together a huge amount of time, it was a long time for me. I thought this would be the man that I spent the rest of my life with and the man I would marry.
I was wrong. Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, but this unexpected break up came at a time when I felt like everything was perfect within our relationship apart from the distance between us, but that couldn't be controlled. Hearing the words "it's over" were so heart-stopping that I felt like I couldn't breathe. The phone call ended, and he was gone.
It's a hard thing to come to terms with, especially weeks before our year anniversary and on the three year anniversary of my Nan's death. At first, I blamed myself. Then, I blamed him. But then I realised that it's nobody's fault. Neither of us did anything wrong and our relationship had just stopped working from his opinion.
With my life going through a difficult phase already at the moment, it's been hard to cope with, especially as he seems to regret leaving me and says he wants me back but I can't go back. This loss has made me realise so many things that I couldn't see when I was in a relationship. I need to work on myself so much - especially my mental state. Who is going to love me if I can't even love myself? It's also made me realise that I deserve more, maybe better. He never mistreated me and I love him to the end of the Earth but I deserve a man who puts me first, a man who does the little things and a man who can show me how he really feels.
When my heart was breaking, I felt like it was the end of the world but now, although I'm still broken, I'm realising that maybe this is just a new beginning for me.
Clare
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xxx
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