Unlike Amy, I haven't seen anything on YouTube regarding sexual abuse, mainly because I am not a frequent YouTube user and only really check in every couple of weeks to see what's going on with the subscribers that I follow. I rarely stray from them. However, this is a subject on which I feel very strongly about so I felt like I wanted to have my say on it too.
The definition of sexual abuse is "any sort of non-consensual sexual contact" or "a statutory offense that provides that it is a crime to knowingly cause another person to engage in an unwanted sexual act by force or threat". A lot of people don't seem to realize this, as they think of sexual abuse as rape and never anything less than that.
This attitude to begin with needs to change, and one conversation sticks in my mind like it was yesterday. It must have been at least three years ago now, possibly longer, I was sitting on a train on my own. There were two girls about my age (I was 16/17 at the time) sitting across from me on a different table. They were talking in hushed tones, but it was still easy to hear them from where I was. One of the girls confessed to her friend, "I've been sexually abused." The other girl was shocked, and asked her what happened. The first girl, the victim, told her that this man had forced her to perform oral sex on him. The other girl laughed and said "Oh, is that it? That's not sexual abuse. That's just a laugh."
I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything but looking back, I wish I had. It made me so mad. This young girl had obviously taken a lot of courage to admit that to her friend, only for her friend to pass it off as a 'joke'. Sexual abuse is NOT a joke and it needs to be taken so much more seriously than it currently is.
You don't have to rape someone to sexually abuse them, and I think this is something that a lot of people don't realize. Any form of sexual contact that the girl doesn't consent to is sexual abuse.
The attitude of "she was asking for it" is one of the things that irritates me the most. If a girl is on a night out, looks pretty and is wearing a short skirt with her legs on show, men use the excuse that she was "asking for it". Let me tell you now, unless a woman LITERALLY asks you for sex, she is never asking for it. Women shouldn't feel like they can't look or dress a certain way for fear that they might get taken advantage of.
If you are a man and you even squeeze the bum or boobs of a girl when you're out clubbing, you might see that as a 'laugh' or 'friendly banter' but if she hasn't consented to this, it's actually a form of sexual abuse which is illegal. You are committing a crime.
Other forms of sexual abuse can be non-physical too. These include, taking naked pictures of someone when they're unaware of it (eg. when they're in the shower or asleep) or forcing someone to watch pornography who doesn't want to.
A lot of sexual abuse happens either when the woman is drunk, or when she is in a relationship. Believe it or not, most sexual abuse happens within relationships.
If a woman is too drunk to stand, talk to you properly or know what she's doing, you should not have sex with her. She hasn't consented. She's too drunk to know what she is doing. If she was sober, would she fight you off? The answer is probably yes. That's something men don't think of before they perform acts on these women.
As for sexual abuse in relationships, more women go through this than they realize. If you are ever 'not in the mood' for sex or 'don't really want it', but you do it anyway to keep your partner happy, that again in sexual abuse. Even though you are allowing it to happen and not making a scene, this still doesn't class as you consenting to it. Don't be afraid to say no to having intercourse with your partner just for fear of what they might say.
It's even the same with prostitutes. Even though you might be paying them for their services so to speak, that doesn't mean you can take advantage of that situation. If that woman is not comfortable with something and she says no, but you carry on regardless, that's still sexual abuse.
It has become all too common in today's society for sexual abuse to be passed off as a laugh or banter, but it's not and people need to start realizing that it's not okay. It has even reached the charts, in the song 'Blurred Lines' by Robin Thicke (ft. Pharrell). Despite my love for this song, the lyrics are not giving men good morals.
"I hate these blurred lines. I know you want it."
They are NOT 'blurred lines'. If a woman says she doesn't want it, she means that she doesn't want it. This isn't some underlying message for you to take it anyway.
"The way you grab me, must wanna get nasty."
Just because a girl is dancing with you, cuddling you or even having a bit of fun with you, this does not necessarily mean that she wants to engage in sexual intercourse with you.
"I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two."
She hasn't even told you that she wants to have sex with you, and you're saying this? Okay.
"Do it like it hurts. Does it hurt?"This is probably the bit that annoyed me the most. Even if she did consent to the sex, which it doesn't sound like in the other lyrics, if you're hurting her during sex, the chances are that she isn't enjoying it and that you are the only one getting pleasure out of it.
I love this song, simply because of the catchy beat and it's great to dance to, but the lyrics are really offensive, especially to women. Pharrell was recently questioned about this and he stated " I'm not a woman, so I can never tell them how they feel", despite repeating the same line "I know you want it" a whopping 18 times in the song. You can read the whole interview with him defending the song here.
There are also some other songs with similar lines and lyrics that are even more shocking. The two worst examples I found were Biggest Fan - Chris Brown ("Let me sex you baby, girl you better not change your mind, no is not an option, I'll take what's mine.") and Dope Fiend Rental - Danny Brown ("I'm all the way in your bitch mouth and I gag her til she cries, her stomach fluid come up"). The fact that famous people write lyrics like this makes other men seem like it's "okay" to treat a woman this way, and I have to say, it most certainly is not.
While I'm on a similar subject, another thing springs to mind about the disrespectful, derogatory words that men use to describe women, especially in songs. A good example that I thought of was 'Sexy Bitch' by Akon and David Guetta. The lyrics state, "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful" but then go on to call her a bitch.
I realize that this is a very biased view of sexual abuse as I have focused mainly on women, but it does happen to men too and that isn't okay either. It's just less commercialized and isn't as 'put out there' in the charts as female sexual abuse.
This commercialisation of sexual abuse makes our generation grow up thinking that it's normal, or okay, to treat other people in this derogatory way, and it isn't. This leads to many women who have suffered sexual abuse thinking that it's 'normal' or that it's 'their fault' and it most certainly isn't.
Sexual abuse can haunt you for the rest of your life and make parts of it almost impossible, especially the intimate side and that isn't something that anyone should ever have to live with forever. If you have ever been sexually abused, please never blame yourself. It is NOT your fault, and you weren't 'asking for it' at all.
Here are some great websites that help people who are suffering or have suffered sexual abuse in the past:
Survivors UK (For Men)
Mankind (For Men)
Clare
xxx
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