Merry Go Round.

I have had a tough year or so, there’s no denying that. From losing my job and my house, to being in a wheelchair and on crutches for nearly a year. From breaking up with my boyfriend, to losing two family members in the space of a few weeks. It’s been hard.

Things have got better, I must not forget that. I’m off crutches, and I’m learning to dance again – something that the doctors told me would be impossible. I’m defying the odds and proving them wrong, which is something that gives me great satisfaction. However, there’s no denying that the rest of my life is still kind of sucky.

I have a great social life now, despite my lack of money. My friends are always supportive, and are always there when I need them. For that, I will always be grateful. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive group of friends and family, which I know I am lucky to have.

However, when is the rest going to get better? It’s not like I’m taking for granted what I do have, but I’m tired of my life being stuck on the same merry go round and not letting me off. I’ve never been much of a fan of merry go rounds. I prefer rollercoasters – the ups and downs and the thrills. I’m not getting that in life right now.

I still haven’t got a job. I have applied for quite possibly thousands of jobs, been to quite a lot of interviews, and had more rejections than I can count. I could literally wallpaper my house in rejection letters and emails – and that’s just from the companies who actually have the courtesy to contact you to inform you that you’re a failure. This month has been a particularly bad one for job rejections. I have received one nearly every day.

I’m quite lucky, because I had so many savings when I left my previous job, I’ve managed to keep my head above water and still have a social life. I got myself into some debt, which I have just paid the last of it off. I’m hoping that I can stay out of it now, but without a job and bills to pay, it’s near impossible.

Suffering with mental health issues isn’t helping matters. For every good day, I will have three bad ones. That’s just the way it goes, but I’m trying to get better and that’s all I can do. I quit therapy, simply because it was making me feel worse, but considering the stuff I’ve been through, I think I’m coping pretty well.

I was doing much better, until the loss of two family members in the space of a couple of weeks. That was tough, and one of the hardest points of my life. Trying to be the strong one for everyone else and trying to grieve at the same time as well as dealing with your own inner demons is tough, but it’s something I got through. Of course, two months later, I can’t say that I am over the matter. I still have nightmares. I still sometimes forget that they’re gone. I still miss them. But things get easier over time. I know that.

Getting over my ex and falling for someone else has been one of the worst things I’ve done. I always fall for the wrong people. I always fall for people’s words rather than their actions, and that’s a huge flaw of mine. People can say anything to make you fall for them. They can lead you on and make you feel special, but then they can drop you just as quickly. When someone stops making you feel like you’re special, and doesn’t fight for you, you know that it’s time to walk away.  I’ve tried before, and I couldn’t do it. I gave in. This time, I have to do it. My self esteem is already low, and this person was building it up higher and higher every day, but now he’s made it lower. I deserve more than this treatment. I deserve to be loved, and that’s why I have to let go, even though it’s hard and I really don't want to.

My weight is another issue I’m having to deal with right now. I’m not overweight, but since my accident, I’ve gained 1^st 9lb. Although I feel the most confident with my body that I ever have, I know I need to lose a few pounds. I’m curvy and I love it, but fat is forming on my stomach and thighs that I need to get rid of. People don’t understand and say they wish they had a body like me, but they’re not the ones that look at this body naked in the mirror.  I’m not doing this for anyone else – I’m doing it for myself. It’s hard now because I love food so much, and I’m very much an extremist. I either eat everything, or nothing at all. That’s why I find restricting so hard, because it triggers my EDNOS (which I have been recovered from for around 18 months) and I end up eating nothing. However, I’m trying to do this sensibly and healthily, as well as going to the gym regularly, because I know that my body will thank me for it in the end.

I feel like I’m fighting lots of small battles right now, and that things are going my way as much as I would like them to. As I stated, the dancing thing is a miracle and words can’t describe how happy that makes me, but all I really want right now is to get a job and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. Everything else that I want to achieve will come from within those two movements of progress. How could I expect anyone to love me, when I don’t even love myself? It’s time to make some changes. (She says, for the 1000th time)

Clare
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xxx