It's been a hard year or so, as I've said before, and I've had so many ups and far more downs, but I feel like I am finally reaching a turning point. I feel like I have spent too long in the dark and that I am now starting to see a speck of light in the distance. Instead of shutting it out like I previously have, I am grasping onto that tiny flicker of hope and holding onto it so tightly. Life's too short to feel as down as I have over the last few months, and that's why I'm focusing on the light.
A lot of things in my life still suck so bad right now, but there are so many good things in my life that I almost forget about as I take them for granted, and I feel like I'm learning to love tiny things.
"And at last, I see the light,
And it's like the fog has lifted."
My 22nd birthday is rapidly approaching, and I'll admit that I'm not where I would have expected to be at this age if you'd asked me 5 years ago. I would have liked to have my own house by now, and be in a long term relationship if not engaged, and working my dream job. Unfortunately, I've got none of those things. However, I have done my dream job and it's probably something that I will never be able to go back to due to my leg, but it's still something that I achieved, and that's fantastic.
So I haven't got a relationship - is it really that important? The answer is, no. I had my first "real" relationship last year. Of course, I've had lots of other relationships, but this was the first one where we spent nights together, the first one I went on holiday with, the first one I spent Valentines Day with, and it was great while it lasted. It's over now, and I'm actually not that sad about it. I've been through a rough fling since then which made me happy for a while, but was then bringing me down more and more every day. It had such a negative affect on me and I didn't really realise it until I put an end to it. I'm so much happier without him, which I never thought I would say.
I've got to learn to love myself. I used to be so strong and independent, and now I don't feel like I am, but it's something that I'm working towards and slowly, I'm getting there. I don't need a man to make me happy or to rely on. I can cope just fine on my own, and when the right person comes along, of course I will settle down, but in the mean time, things are going okay on my own.
At nearly 22, I hoped to have my own house by now. Of course, I moved out for a while last year but had to move back after I'd had my accident which was no fault of my own. All the savings I had towards a property have now dwindled away due to being unemployed for so long, but that can't be helped. It is just so hard to get on the property ladder in this day and age, especially on your own, that I don't see it happening for at least another couple of years which isn't ideal, but it's okay. I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive family who will always keep my room available for me, no matter how old I am, and I am lucky to pay so little to live here.
The job situation isn't going well, but I'm searching hard and that's all that anyone can ask of me. I have two big job interviews coming up soon that I am very nervous and excited about, so hopefully something will come of one of them, but if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Something will come along eventually, and although I'm struggling a little money wise, my head is above water. Things could be much worse.
I can dance again, which is just amazing. As I said before, it's hard and painful but it's worth it for the feeling of adrenalin that I get. Considering they said I would never dance again, I'm doing pretty well. This time last year, I was still on crutches / in a wheelchair, and I have to remember that when I start to get frustrated with myself. I have come such a long way and the hospital are astonished at my progress, so I have to appreciate that rather than getting angry at myself for not being able to do everything that I want to do. After 14 months, it's looking like I may (hopefully, fingers crossed) be discharged from the hospital by the end of the year, which would be incredible.
I used to do a lot of charity work, but with my situation over the last couple of years, I haven't been able to. This year, I've decided to push myself (considering my leg) by doing a 3 mile walk for Cancer. It's called the March On Cancer and is taking place on Saturday. I'm walking in memory of my Nan who passed away in March 2011, and my auntie Maureen who died more recently in July of this year. It will be the furthest I've walked since my accident, so it will be an achievement both from a personal perspective and to raise money for Cancer Research. You can sponsor me here, if you wish to.
Bigger than I want to be, but by no means overweight, I have decided to postpone dieting until nearer my holiday next year. I am so much happier when I can go out for meals and eat whatever I want rather then restricting calories and crying over my weight. Life is too short to worry about things like that. As long as I'm healthy with my weight, I'm doing just fine. The number on the scale does not define me. At all.
I'm finding pleasure and happiness in the smallest of things, that I never thought I would. A walk in the park. A drive in the dark. A bright moon in the sky. A warm pukka pie! Ha ha. I'm reading much more and listening to more music rather than just watching telly or sitting on the internet doing nothing, and it's making me feel much better.
Things aren't perfect, but they're looking up and I'm feeling much more positive about everything than I have been. I am trying hard to look on the bright side of everything, as well as trying to learn to accept myself for who I am along the way, and of course, I have my down days (doesn't everyone?) but so far, I think it's going pretty well.
Clare
My 22nd birthday is rapidly approaching, and I'll admit that I'm not where I would have expected to be at this age if you'd asked me 5 years ago. I would have liked to have my own house by now, and be in a long term relationship if not engaged, and working my dream job. Unfortunately, I've got none of those things. However, I have done my dream job and it's probably something that I will never be able to go back to due to my leg, but it's still something that I achieved, and that's fantastic.
So I haven't got a relationship - is it really that important? The answer is, no. I had my first "real" relationship last year. Of course, I've had lots of other relationships, but this was the first one where we spent nights together, the first one I went on holiday with, the first one I spent Valentines Day with, and it was great while it lasted. It's over now, and I'm actually not that sad about it. I've been through a rough fling since then which made me happy for a while, but was then bringing me down more and more every day. It had such a negative affect on me and I didn't really realise it until I put an end to it. I'm so much happier without him, which I never thought I would say.
I've got to learn to love myself. I used to be so strong and independent, and now I don't feel like I am, but it's something that I'm working towards and slowly, I'm getting there. I don't need a man to make me happy or to rely on. I can cope just fine on my own, and when the right person comes along, of course I will settle down, but in the mean time, things are going okay on my own.
At nearly 22, I hoped to have my own house by now. Of course, I moved out for a while last year but had to move back after I'd had my accident which was no fault of my own. All the savings I had towards a property have now dwindled away due to being unemployed for so long, but that can't be helped. It is just so hard to get on the property ladder in this day and age, especially on your own, that I don't see it happening for at least another couple of years which isn't ideal, but it's okay. I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive family who will always keep my room available for me, no matter how old I am, and I am lucky to pay so little to live here.
The job situation isn't going well, but I'm searching hard and that's all that anyone can ask of me. I have two big job interviews coming up soon that I am very nervous and excited about, so hopefully something will come of one of them, but if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Something will come along eventually, and although I'm struggling a little money wise, my head is above water. Things could be much worse.
I can dance again, which is just amazing. As I said before, it's hard and painful but it's worth it for the feeling of adrenalin that I get. Considering they said I would never dance again, I'm doing pretty well. This time last year, I was still on crutches / in a wheelchair, and I have to remember that when I start to get frustrated with myself. I have come such a long way and the hospital are astonished at my progress, so I have to appreciate that rather than getting angry at myself for not being able to do everything that I want to do. After 14 months, it's looking like I may (hopefully, fingers crossed) be discharged from the hospital by the end of the year, which would be incredible.
I used to do a lot of charity work, but with my situation over the last couple of years, I haven't been able to. This year, I've decided to push myself (considering my leg) by doing a 3 mile walk for Cancer. It's called the March On Cancer and is taking place on Saturday. I'm walking in memory of my Nan who passed away in March 2011, and my auntie Maureen who died more recently in July of this year. It will be the furthest I've walked since my accident, so it will be an achievement both from a personal perspective and to raise money for Cancer Research. You can sponsor me here, if you wish to.
Bigger than I want to be, but by no means overweight, I have decided to postpone dieting until nearer my holiday next year. I am so much happier when I can go out for meals and eat whatever I want rather then restricting calories and crying over my weight. Life is too short to worry about things like that. As long as I'm healthy with my weight, I'm doing just fine. The number on the scale does not define me. At all.
I'm finding pleasure and happiness in the smallest of things, that I never thought I would. A walk in the park. A drive in the dark. A bright moon in the sky. A warm pukka pie! Ha ha. I'm reading much more and listening to more music rather than just watching telly or sitting on the internet doing nothing, and it's making me feel much better.
Things aren't perfect, but they're looking up and I'm feeling much more positive about everything than I have been. I am trying hard to look on the bright side of everything, as well as trying to learn to accept myself for who I am along the way, and of course, I have my down days (doesn't everyone?) but so far, I think it's going pretty well.
Clare
0 comments :
Post a Comment