Last week, I had a bit of a shock that I can't seem to get out of my head... Something that I think is the reason that my anxiety has got so much worse over the last few days.
I watched one of the strongest people that I know, who is never ill and always keeps on fighting, collapse. It sounds like such a small thing because I've seen so many people collapse during my lifetime but when they are in their 70s, your first thought isn't just that they've collapsed - it's that they're dead.
It was this man here - my step Grandad. He has been part of my life since I was born, so I class him just as much of a Grandad as I do with my real Grandad. Despite being in his 70s, he has always been fit and healthy. He was the one who taught me how to gambole when I was little. He's the kind of man that never stops doing things - cooking, cleaning, gardening. He's so active for his age and he never gets ill.
So when I was round at the house and I saw him collapse, it scared the life out of me. It all happened so fast. One minute, we were all just sat talking and he was in the kitchen. The next, my Nan screamed that he was falling and I turned just as he hit the floor. I can't get the image out of my head. It just keeps playing over and over again. I tried to get up to help but I couldn't because of my leg. All I remember is thinking, "Oh my God, he's dead" and trying to keep my Nan calm while my Mom saw to him, as I couldn't help.
It turned out he had just fainted because he was hot. It was a hot day, they had the fire on like they always do in that house and the hobs were on in the kitchen because he was cooking dinner. He had just over heated, felt a bit dizzy, put his hand out to hold onto the counter to steady himself and missed, hitting the floor and knocking himself out. He was only out for a few seconds and he soon recovered, but it terrified me.
It got me thinking about how you can really take nobody for granted in your life, especially if they're older. I'm fortunate to be very close to my family and I don't know how I'd live without any of them.
I lost my Grandad (my Dad's Dad) years ago but I was never really close to him and I lost my Nana (my Dad's Mom) on St. Patricks Day in 2011, which was absolutely devastating for me as we'd only started getting really close while she was dying.
It just makes me think about my other family, especially the older ones, and how much I love them. I couldn't imagine my life without my close family members. Particularly the following people;
My Grandad and step Nan, who again has been part of my life since birth. I don't get to see them as much as I wish I did but I love them with all of my heart, and I feel that we have bonded more and got closer within the last twelve months. They are always there for me when I need them and they have always believed in me. I love them both so much and I don't know what I would do without them.
My great aunty who is 82 today. Despite only having one leg and four toes due to having them amputated, she is the most positive person that I know. She always looks on the bright side of everything and despite being in a wheelchair, she lives on her own and is so independent. Again, somebody who I don't get to see as often as I wished I did but I love her to bits. She can always brighten my day with her sense of humour.
My Nan and step Grandad who I see at least twice a week whilst living in Coventry but sometimes more. I have lived with them several times when my home life hasn't been great and they are always there when I need them. They know things about me that no grandparent should know about their granddaughter and yet, they don't judge me and my stupid mistakes, and they love me just as much.
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And last but definitely not least, my Mom and Dad. They can be over-protective and irritating at times (most of the time) but I really am privileges to have such lovely parents who love me so much. I am their life and I realize that now. They spoil me rotten and give me everything that they possibly can, even if it means them going without. They would do anything to make me happy and see me smile. Even though we sometimes don't see eye to eye, they do their best for me and always look out for me. They always listen to my problems even if they know they can't help, and I love them so much.
I'm getting so emotional writing this blog - literally sitting here with tears rolling down my face as I think about how empty my life would be if I lost any of the above mentioned people, or indeed, any other members of my family that I'm close to. I hope it never happens but unfortunately, it is inevitable and going to happen one day. I just hope it doesn't happen any time soon, as I genuinely don't think I could live without these incredible people. I love them with every inch of my heart and I'd give my life for any of them.
Clare
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xxx
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