I apologise in advance that this post is going to be low, negative and depressing but that's exactly what I started this blog for - to express my feelings.
Previously, I was the kind of person who liked being alone. It sounds sad but I've always been a bit of a loner and I enjoyed my own company. I did most things on my own, from going on long walks or drives to going to the cinema on my own. I was one of those people that other people felt sorry for but they really had no reason to, because I was happy being on my own.
I'm not sure where it came from but it sure as hell got more comfortable when I passed my driving test and spent many hours going shopping or going to parks or generally just driving around to clear my head. I found that if you were on your own and didn't let people get too close to you, life was actually easier. I had less to worry about. I didn't have to worry about other peoples problems or whether I was keeping them happy or not.
It was hard dealing with things by myself. Sometimes, I so longed to tell someone what was going on and talk to them about the horrible things I was going through but I couldn't, and that meant I didn't have to worry about deciding whether I should open up or not or whether they'd tell someone else if I did.
Moving away, I had to get used to being around people all the time. It began with me living in a house with three other girls. By the time I left, this was five other girls and my boyfriend. I had the best social life that I've ever had and my job was of course on the stage, facing hundreds of people every night. I was always surrounded by people. I was never alone.
Now I can't stand being alone. Every day, I'm home alone for hours and it's something I would have previously loved, but now I can't stand it. I don't like the silence. I feel so isolated at the moment being in my current situation as I feel like people don't really understand or care. I know that they try but people make me feel like I'm a burden, as I can't do anything for myself and am in a wheelchair most of the time. Plus, the person I'm closest to in the whole world (my partner), is 300 miles away from me. I've realised the only time that I don't feel so alone, so lonely and so isolated is when he comes to visit me every two weeks. It seems like such a long time between each visit.
I want to go back to how I was before. I need to go back to being able to be alone without being lonely, but I don't know if I can any more.
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