I just spent twenty minute writing a really long blog post about how I'm feeling and then my stupid iPad deleted it as I went to publish it, so I'm going to attempt to do it again but it's made my anxiety even worse as I'm frustrated now too, so I apologise if this post makes absolutely no sense but I just need to get things off my chest.
This afternoon, I was tired and felt like I needed waking up to prevent me from falling asleep at dinner time! So I drank a few small bottles of Lucozade but by 10pm, I was still falling asleep. I forced myself to stay awake in order to say goodnight to my partner when he finished work.
I'm wondering if the Lucozade could have encouraged it, as energy drinks increase your heart rate and so does anxiety, so maybe the two of them working together side by side was a terrible mistake. I haven't actually had a panic attack this evening (*touch wood*) but I feel ridiculously anxious, paranoid, insecure and worried about everything.
I'm just lying here staring at my ceiling thinking about all of the stupid questions that are buzzing around my head and won't seem to calm down. Why does my boyfriend love me? Does he really love me? Why is he with me when he can do so much better? Is he happy with me? Is he cheating on me? Who are my real friends? Who really cares and who is just pretending to? Will people forget about me? How much longer am I going to be in a wheelchair and on crutches? What will my MRI scan be like? When will I recover? Will I ever make a full recovery? Will I be able to dance again? Will physiotherapy hurt? Will I have to have an operation? Have I put on weight? Do people think I look fat? How much do I weigh? Who would cry if I died?
It's so ridiculous but I just can't seem to get it under control tonight. Every little thing has been making me jump over the last few days from someone hiccuping to an air freshener spraying. I'm a nervous wreck and I have no idea why. Since my accident, I live in constant fear of what bad thing is going to happen next. I'm constantly worrying about it and waiting for if. Am I going to further injure myself? Is somebody going to die? Is my boyfriend going to leave me? My main thing at the moment is dying in a fire. I was in a fire when I was younger but over the last week or so, I've been having terribly realistic dreams of our house setting on fire and me being trapped upstairs in my wheelchair with no way to escape death.
I just wish I could calm down, relax and go to sleep. The only person who can calm me down when I feel like this is my partner but he is currently 294 miles away and fast asleep, so I've got to try and calm myself down. That's why I'm writing this. I figured letting if all out might help me to relax.
I'm not supposed to take my anxiety pills at the moment due to the medication that I'm on for my knee, but I feel so worked up at the moment that I think I might have to. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep.
I don't know if drinking it and my anxiety being worse is just a terrible coincidence, but I am never drinking Lucozade when I feel anxious again.
Clare
xxx
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