As you all know if you know me or have been reading my blog, I am currently on long term sick leave from my job as a performer. This means that I have gone from being active for 60+ hours a week to sitting around doing nothing constantly.
I was incredibly worried that I'd put on weight but not being able to weigh myself due to not being able to stand on the scales means that I'm not sure how much. I decided to go on a diet and before the first day was over, I quit.
This might sound to you like I'm a quitter or like I give in too easily but I really don't think that's the case. Previously, I had an eating disorder and one that people didn't take too seriously. EDNOS - eating disorder not otherwise specified. This means that you have elements from other eating disorders, but not a specific one. I was diagnosed with that and even though I was back to a healthy weight, I still had a lot of issues with my eating.
When I moved away, it started to slide downhill again before the girls I was living with made me feel like it was okay to eat and not feel guilty. They were all more weighty than me (although none of them were even slightly fat) and they didn't feel guilty about eating, so why should I? Especially when I was burning so many calories working so hard and doing so much dancing. Slowly, I started to eat more but I was still staying thin.
Then I got with my boyfriend and my eating got even better. He is a big lad himself and he's never been with a girl who is smaller than a size 12, so when we first got together, for him it was a massive shock to see and feel bones. Our first date, I ate less than half a meal and six months later, most of the time, I finish the whole thing.
My point is, I wanted to go on a diet because I'm worried about getting fat due to not being able to exercise at all and not being able to weigh myself means that I have no idea what's happening to my body. All of my body is the same measurements that it was before my injury except my chest and the only noticeable difference to me is that my belly is a bit more flabby, which can soon be toned back up when I am able to exercise.
I'm wearing tracksuit bottoms all the time due to my injury but yesterday, I tried my jeans on to see how much weight I'd put on. They still fit me perfectly. So I found myself asking, 'Why am I sitting here hungry, wishing I could eat chocolate, when I'm still wearing size 6 jeans?' - And with that, I opened a jar of Nutella and ate away happily.
It amazes me how far I've come since this time last year but I'm glad that I did. I still have a few tendencies that are classed under 'eating disorder behavior' such as;
- eating my food in a logical order (eg. usually smallest to largest)
- not having things touching on my plate
- having to eat with specific utensils
- eating each part of my food separately (eg. vegetables, then meat, then potatoes)
But I think they are just part of my charm. I'm quite lucky to have stayed in a size 6 when I've been inactive for 6 weeks but it's certainly not something that I'm going to take for granted. Some people are naturally skinny and I was not one of those people. I had to work hard to get this body and it put me in hospital. However, now I ask myself why and whether it was really worth it.
Thin may be beautiful to some people but larger women are beautiful too. It shouldn't matter what size you are as long as you're comfortable in your own body and even though I don't think I'll ever love my body in the way that I wish I could, I've certainly come to terms with it a lot more over the last 9 months which is something that I hope to continue. At the moment, I can't exercise and for me, that's horrible but as soon as my knee is healed, I will be back in the gym, getting fit and toning up. In the mean time, I intend to continue eating what I want without really caring about it because I have such a good relationship with food now and I don't want to jeopardize that.
Clare
xxx
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