I had written this to post on my year anniversary with my ex, but we never made it, as you can see in my recent posts. However, I still felt like I wanted to share it so that I can look back on it in the future. I have deleted parts of it, but kept the main messages.
I was the kind of girl who never really wanted a man. I was in and out of 'relationships' but never anything serious or long term. It was all just a bit of fun to me, and my longest relationship was 3 and a half months - not really an achievement. I didn't want to settle down or lose my independence. Whenever I felt that things were getting serious, I would feel trapped and run away. Or if we had an argument, I would run away from the first hurdle rather than trying to find a way to get over it.
Independence was key to me and I thought any girl who relied on a man was stupid. Who needs a man to make them happy? I couldn't see what a relationship could give you that being single couldn't. After all, why would you commit to one person when you can be with as many as you like? I never wanted to get married or have children - and if I did, I wanted children on my own without the father being present - and I had never even had sex in a relationship before.
Relationships had never worked for me. Often, I'd find myself leaving people for no reason other than that I felt 'trapped' or was 'bored' of what they were offering. It was pretty mean of me, but I hated feeling like I didn't have any freedom. I often felt like I couldn't do what I wanted or see who I wanted, because of being in a relationship. I felt tied down and suffocated.
There was one quote that I used to live by which I felt explained my life completely;
"Like a free bird who gets restless and loses her lustre when kept in a cage."
I can't believe how much one relationship has changed me, and even though it's over now, I think it will have changed me for the rest of my life.
Clare
(twitter / instagram)
xxx
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