I'm so disgusted with myself for being so stupid and so naive to think that someone like him might actually like someone like me. Now I watch him happy with another girl whilst he knows what he's doing to me, and I feel like on the inside, he must feel smug and so pleased with himself. I thought after all of our years of friendship, he would never hurt me or treat me badly, especially whilst I was at my most vulnerable. Why did I think he was different? He's just like all the other guys.
I don't know if he's done this to me on purpose or by accident. He says he never meant to hurt me, but this leading on and messing around has gone on for far too long now. One minute he loves me, the next day he ignores me. One day he's leaving his girlfriend for me, the next he's with her. He is always blowing hot and cold. I never ever know where I stand and I'm tired of it.
I don't think it's asking much to be treated right. I'm tired of being the "bit on the side" or the "guilty pleasure". I just want somebody to love me for who I am. Don't I deserve that? I don't even want to be treated like a princess. I just want to be treated like a human being with feelings, rather than being treated like I have no feelings whatsoever.
It's so easy to say "pick yourself back up" but it's not easy to do. It's like falling off a horse - you can't just fall off, really hurt yourself and then get straight back in because you'd be too scared of making your recovering injury worse. You will get back on eventually but not until you're healed. That was my problem. I fell off one horse and tried to climb onto another before my injury had healed. I was climbing to the top, only to discover that another girl already sat in my place on the saddle, and elbowed me back down to the ground.
I know it's a weird metaphor, but it really is so true. You will always be scared of falling off the horse again because the next time you fall off, it will hurt even more than it did the first time because you're landing on an old injury and reopening the wounds. You don't know how hard it is to actually trust someone again. That's what I did in this situation, and now my wounds feel poisoned and infected.
Men have made me hate myself even more than I already did, made me think that no one will ever like me or want to be with me and made me feel like I don't ever deserve to be loved. When am I ever going to be good enough for someone? One of the people who I thought would never hurt me really has and I don't even know if he realises just how much his actions (or lack of them) have affected me. So if you're reading this and wondering if it's about you - it is.
0 comments :
Post a Comment