I don't know how to start this post. I don't even know why I'm writing it. I guess things are on my mind, and I'm too lazy to write in a diary, so it kind of gets poured out onto here. I'm feeling very emotional about the past this evening, and I don't really know why, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. Maybe it will best off if I write it as a letter, to an anonymous person, even though I only have one person in mind. Maybe I will be brave enough to even post it, as the person who the letter is to will never read it. Maybe... Maybe.
Dear you,How are you? We haven't spoke in six months - the longest we've gone without speaking in the whole time we've known each other. How are you finding life without me?
Life is pretty good for me. My leg has recovered and I'm learning to dance again, though it's unlikely I will ever do it as a job again. I'm searching for other work as I'm still unemployed, but hopefully I'll find something soon. That's enough about me, anyway. This letter is supposed to be more about you.
I don't really know how to say it, so I'm just going to put it as bluntly as possible - I miss you. Shutting you out of my life was a good decision, but there are days (like today) when I miss you terribly. I guess that's only human when you say goodbye to someone who has been such a big part of your life for so long. I guess we didn't even really say goodbye. We just, decided to part. Well more, I decided to part from you.
It was a bit shitty of me really, stopping all contact between us without even telling you. I wonder if you've tried to contact me? Probably not. It wasn't very often you contacted me first anyway. The last time I tried to cut you out of my life, you contacted me within a few weeks. Do you remember? I was in Tesco when I got your text. I felt like I was going to collapse. You always had that power over me.
Now, you have no way of contacting me. I blocked you, then I got a new phone with a new number. You have no way of reaching me, and I have no way of reaching you. I don't have your number any where. Trust me, I know - I've looked for it at times when I've felt desperate to speak to you, like I do this evening, but I know that it's for the best that I don't. You have to admit, things are better this way. Six months of no contact and things are okay.
I didn't think I would ever be able to let you go. Not properly. I thought I would always give in and always come crawling back, just like I did for all those years. You always had some kind of power over me, like I mentioned earlier. No matter how much you hurt me, or how much you made me hate you at times, you could look me in the eyes and flash that smile of yours, and I'd be there. Like a slave to her master. It makes me cringe to think of it now. You changed me so much as a person - some for the better and some for the worse. You taught me a lot of things about love, about life, about friendship, and most importantly - about myself.
Every other time I've tried to leave you behind, I've ended up bumping into you when I've been out and about living my life. In nightclubs. In restaurants. In pubs. In supermarkets. I saw it as a sign of fate that we were supposed to stay friends, if that's what you'd call us. It's been six months, and I haven't seen a glimpse of you. It's better this way. You and I both know that all it would take would be one accidental meeting and everything would go back to how it was before. I guess that would be a positive for you, but not for me.
I let you walk all over me for so long, believing that I was special and believing that you meant the things that you said. Then it got to the point that I knew it was all bullshit, but I allowed it anyway. Why? Because I was stupid and wanted to keep you in my life, even though you brought me down so much. You were like a drug to me - addictive.
6 months have passed and I'm glad that I let you go. I'm glad that you're not part of my life any more. But sometimes, like tonight, I drive past a spot where we made a memory, or hear a song that we used to call "ours" and all the emotions come flooding back.
I'd like to say that I'm over you, but I know that if I bumped into you, I would fall all over again.
All my love.
Clare
(twitter / instagram)
xxx
I don't really know how to say it, so I'm just going to put it as bluntly as possible - I miss you. Shutting you out of my life was a good decision, but there are days (like today) when I miss you terribly. I guess that's only human when you say goodbye to someone who has been such a big part of your life for so long. I guess we didn't even really say goodbye. We just, decided to part. Well more, I decided to part from you.
It was a bit shitty of me really, stopping all contact between us without even telling you. I wonder if you've tried to contact me? Probably not. It wasn't very often you contacted me first anyway. The last time I tried to cut you out of my life, you contacted me within a few weeks. Do you remember? I was in Tesco when I got your text. I felt like I was going to collapse. You always had that power over me.
Now, you have no way of contacting me. I blocked you, then I got a new phone with a new number. You have no way of reaching me, and I have no way of reaching you. I don't have your number any where. Trust me, I know - I've looked for it at times when I've felt desperate to speak to you, like I do this evening, but I know that it's for the best that I don't. You have to admit, things are better this way. Six months of no contact and things are okay.
I didn't think I would ever be able to let you go. Not properly. I thought I would always give in and always come crawling back, just like I did for all those years. You always had some kind of power over me, like I mentioned earlier. No matter how much you hurt me, or how much you made me hate you at times, you could look me in the eyes and flash that smile of yours, and I'd be there. Like a slave to her master. It makes me cringe to think of it now. You changed me so much as a person - some for the better and some for the worse. You taught me a lot of things about love, about life, about friendship, and most importantly - about myself.
Every other time I've tried to leave you behind, I've ended up bumping into you when I've been out and about living my life. In nightclubs. In restaurants. In pubs. In supermarkets. I saw it as a sign of fate that we were supposed to stay friends, if that's what you'd call us. It's been six months, and I haven't seen a glimpse of you. It's better this way. You and I both know that all it would take would be one accidental meeting and everything would go back to how it was before. I guess that would be a positive for you, but not for me.
I let you walk all over me for so long, believing that I was special and believing that you meant the things that you said. Then it got to the point that I knew it was all bullshit, but I allowed it anyway. Why? Because I was stupid and wanted to keep you in my life, even though you brought me down so much. You were like a drug to me - addictive.
6 months have passed and I'm glad that I let you go. I'm glad that you're not part of my life any more. But sometimes, like tonight, I drive past a spot where we made a memory, or hear a song that we used to call "ours" and all the emotions come flooding back.
I'd like to say that I'm over you, but I know that if I bumped into you, I would fall all over again.
All my love.
Clare
(twitter / instagram)
xxx
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