It can be so hard when your head is full of so many thoughts that you just can't fathom into words. I've felt like this for a couple of weeks, so I feel like I need to try before my head explode. This post is quite possibly going to be nothing but a mish mash of jibber jabber that nobody understands, but please, bare with me.
Feeling alone is horrible. Feeling alone in a room full of people is worse. The weird thing is, when I'm alone, I don't feel lonely at all. Of course, I over think and get myself upset, but I definitely don't feel lonely. In fact, the only time that I do feel lonely is when I'm surrounded by people. Recently, I've felt so isolated from the people I care about, and the people that I thought cared about me. I feel like they haven't noticed that I'm quieter, more fed up, more anxious. Maybe they have noticed. Maybe they just don't care.
So many people say "I'll always be here for you" but very few ever are. How many people are actually there when you really do need them? How many people actually care? How many people understand? I know people care, but I feel like nobody understands, which makes me feel even more isolated and alone. It's a vicious circle that's hard enough to understand when you're out of it, never mind when you're in it.
It's even harder when the vicious circle involves another person. The one person who is always there for me, and always tries to understand even if they don't completely, is one of the people causing this mess in my head. They are the only person I can turn to in my darkest of times, but they are the reason that some of this anxiety is happening. I've tried explaining it to them, but they just keep apologizing. It's not their fault. They never meant to do this to my head. I don't think any mentally sane person would have this kind of reaction, but someone with a mental illness does.
You know things are getting bad when you can't centre your thoughts. No matter how bad things have got, I've always been able to pull my thoughts back to some extreme and focus on the task in hand, but lately I feel like I can't do that either. My head is all over the place, and I don't know what to do. My thoughts and feelings are all so loud, over lapping each other to the point that I can't understand any of them. It's like being in a room full of people who are screaming so loudly at each other that you can't make out a word any of them are saying. It's a permanent fixture in my head, and it's suffocating me.
Everything is a trigger, and that should be terrifying, but it's not. I've become so numb because of the mess in my head, that nothing scares me any more. I stand on the edge of buildings, roads, train tracks... And I'm just not scared any more.
Clare
xxx
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